A First Day of School

By, Joni

There I stood, alone at the end of the driveway and physically unable to move. “What is the matter with me?” I think to myself as the fear seizes my muscles and tears well up uncontrollably in my eyes.

For as long as I could remember the first day of school has been particularly difficult. Maybe it was because we moved around a lot when I was younger and the first day of school often meant the first day at a new school where I didn’t know anybody. Maybe it was because I was shy. Maybe it was because I’ve always been naturally afraid of intense social situations. I don’t know the reason, but I do know that this particular “first day” was one of the most difficult and made me feel the stupidest.

This wasn’t just any first day of school, it was the first day of the seventh grade. It did mean going to a new school, namely Junior High, but it wasn’t like I wouldn’t know anybody. For the week leading up to that day I was preparing myself for what I would face and I was determined not to be a baby this year. After all, I was in Junior High! I should be able to be brave and just go this time, with no crying and no fear. OK, so I had fear, who wouldn’t? However, I was determined to hide it and act as bravely as possible.

So why was I standing there at the end of the driveway? My feelings were almost shocking. As I left the house I was feeling only slightly apprehensive. Although I’m sure my mother could sense as she said goodbye to me that I was literally petrified, there was no way I was going to admit that to myself at the time. One minute I was walking with confidence towards the bus stop and the next minute I was frozen with fear at the end of the driveway, my body refusing to take me any further. I can’t remember a time when I have felt more panic as I did then and I didn’t know what to do. Several times I fought with myself trying to force my feet to move to the bus stop but I didn’t budge, and that’s when the tears of fear mixed with shame started to roll down my cheeks.

In utter panic I ran back into the house and into the arms of my mother who was as surprised as I was at the onslaught of my emotions. Even though she was trying to act sympathetic, I could tell even then that she thought I was being stupid, and I knew it, too. However, when I begged her to take me to school “just this one time” she gave into me and drove me there even thought it would mean she would be late to work.

As it turned out, there was nothing really to be afraid of that day, which is usually the case. Perhaps I finally got it out of my system for I never experienced the “First Day of School Panic” ever again.